Temptation, M&Ms is Your Name Or Chocolate or Girl Scout Cookies or…


I wanted to take 5 M&Ms and pop them in my mouth. What could it hurt? Five little M&Ms could not throw off the diet ,right? Wrong! My problem is the five would turn into a handful, then maybe two handfuls… You can see where this is going? Rewards of food cannot and will not work for me. I don’t have an off switch. I cannot have a single piece of a Hershey’s bar, I need the whole thing.Yes it’s a need, a craving I cannot control as of yet. I have lost 4.5 lbs so far. I have stuck to my diet. I know it’s only since Monday and this is water weight but it is still a loss, not a gain.

How do I deal with temptation? Firstly I am the only one in the house that buys the M&Ms to fill the jar so that stops today. Once that jar is gone it will not be filled by me. I do not see my husband going out and buying them. My 30 year old son who still lives at home will not dare open his wallet and spend twenty bucks for a big bag. He is very frugal. So the glass jar will soon be empty. Then what?  What could I fill it with that is rewarding and satisfying yet not setting me down the wrong path? Many things come to mind, packets of almonds, peanuts, granola bars that fit in the program etc.

One day I hope I can reward myself with five M&M’s and be satisfied. Right now its not happening. The 2 hidden boxes of Thin Mint Cookies and Lemon Drop cookies hidden away in my closet call to me. You just have to support the Girl Scouts right? So why are they hidden away in my closet? Midnight snack, a craving call that needs to be answered? I am not sure. I did look at them last night briefly  then walked away. I need to get rid of them. Today when I get home from work I will toss them in the freezer out in the garage, hoping for the day where two cookies, a single serving will be a treat and a satisfying dessert treat.. It is a long time in coming but it will come.

Sidenote- Apple has a real life, being a 24 year old out in LA working in the film industry. I am so proud of her living her dream! I only wish her dream had been a bit closer in proximity. I will be writing a lot more than Apple.

Day 2 & 2 lbs Shed!

It was rewarding to get on the scale and receive an immediate reward for following the diet strictly on Day 1. The only thing I did wrong was I was 16oz away from drinking all 64 oz of water. I would like to say I woke up feeling happy and excited to move along on this journey but that didn’t happen. I received a reminder that I need more potassium when at 4:45AM my calf cramped up and had me hopping around the bedroom cursing like a truck driver. My stomach is unsettled probably not understanding what all the green stuff was doing, used to processed food and lots of junk.

I have all the excuses in the world. Three foot surgeries, bad knees could have had a hand in it.The truth of the matter is its all about overeating and not exercising. I just didn’t want too.As the pounds crept on I kept saying,to myself I can stop this, I just don’t want too. That was a half truth. I definitely didn’t want to stop and no I couldn’t stop.I love wine with dinner, I like bread and butter, Italian hoagies, cheesesteaks, pasta but most of all I love sweets.

This morning I took pictures of myself, the before. Evaluating them was a bit surreal, Now I understand why I am called grossly obese by medical terms. I am embarrassed. I don’t want to show anyone what I look like naked, least of all Apple. She should be embarrassed by me.I always wanted to be a Mom she could look up to and be proud to have me as her Mother. Somewhere I failed in the self image, body weight thing. It is apparent in her own comments that I passed on some of my own issues to her.It did make me cry. Last May at her college graduation I was a size 20. I wanted to be a size 16. It didn’t happen. I was the heaviest of all the parents she introduced me too.So I am going to post this hideous picture

. I will warn you it isn’t pretty.

For me it will be a reminder of how I slid so far but it will also be my battle cry of no more.

A New Beginning

Self Love. What a strange concept. It should be second nature by now to love the very thing that is the only constant in our lives. But it isn’t constant. And that’s an issue.

All throughout high school, I was obsessed with being some different, someone better. I had grown up a chubby kid with lots of spunk and attitude. At around middle school, I, like many other boys and girls, started realizing the way I looked was not the way everyone else wanted me to look. I was an actress by nature and my dream to grace the oscars red carpet in a custom Alexander McQueen gown would never become a reality with my current weight. I was bombarded with images and media showing me that if I wanted to be on their covers I needed to look a certain way. By high school, this had manifested in an obsessive need to lose weight.

I would weigh myself every single day if not multiple times a day. With every bite I took, all I could ever think was where would this manifest on my body. Although all I could ever think about was my weight, I actually did very little to change it. I began rowing crew competitively and fell in love with the sport and my team. Six days a week practicing towards a definable goal changed my life. I ate healthier to make my muscles grow to make me better at my sport. The weight began to shed pretty effortlessly, now whether this was real weight rather than just baby fat is debatable. Either way, I started to look more confident and healthy. On the inside, however, the internalized self-hatred was still as strong as ever. I lamented how I looked while being oblivious to my own changes. Yes I was losing weight and smaller than ever, but I still felt fat and unwanted.

By graduation, I was at my lowest weight of 150 lbs (I’m 5’9 by the way). I was so excited to start college and new life hundreds of miles away from who I was. And college was great. Even without rowing in my life, I was able to keep my weight down and refrain from getting the dreaded freshman 15. But as classes got harder and my schedule got crazy, my eating and drinking habits got worse. I was at times an emotional wreck, as are most college students. Throughout all of this I gained more weight than I can fathom. Worse of all, I stopped working out. Sports were once my lifeline to success and happiness and now I had completely lost that part of me. If I worked out three times a month that was a good month. Going into my senior year, I knew something had to change. I was going out into the world soon and I didn’t want to be this person I no longer recognized.

The first step in all of this was joining Orangetheory Fitness. It was a gym like no other I had attended before. It was high intensity interval training in a competitive team atmosphere. I quickly became obsessed going 5 or 6 times a week. Through this gym and new gym family, I began to feel something like myself again. I began to regain my muscle and blisters that I used to be so proud of that showed just how hard I worked. Throughout the second half of my senior year, I really took the chance not just to change my body, but also my mind. I began to cultivate this strange concept of “self-love” and try and be happy with who I am.

Now it’s almost a year later and I finally feel ready to change my eating habits to match my workout routine. Although one of the reasons I am doing this is to lose weight that is not the final goal. I’ve learned that no matter my weight I’m going to have problems. Being skinny and pretty won’t solve anything. Even when I was at my smallest I look back and realize how unhappy I was. Weight doesn’t change that. I am significantly heavier today, but have so much more happiness and respect for myself than back then. This blog is to chronicle a mother and daughter’s journey to health and happiness. It is to inspire others to find their own self love. I can want to change my own body while still having respect for everything it’s accomplished. This is going to be an amazing journey and I hope you follow both of us along.




Tree-There it is black and white , somehow looking uglier and harsher in print and not the confines of my bathroom. As I am drinking Phase 1 of my South Beach Diet shake, I wonder if I will ever be under 200lbs. I am 54 years old and 5’51/2. That would be medically defined  as grossly obese. If I look at this as a whole, not in small parts its daunting and unattainable. I need to break this down into weeks. Every week I will try and focus on something different.

This week as it is the first week, I am going to focus on following the program exactly as given., day to day. Already I had to make my shake for breakfast instead of my mid morning snack.I can make the shake at home in the Vitamix, I cannot make it at work. So my snack will be a bar , then lunch a premade frozen meal with a bag of frozen green beans. Wrapping up the work day I will have another bar as a late afternoon snack. This will be in addition to the 64 oz of water I am suppose to drink. Woohoo 8:35 AM and 16oz down. I am not a fan of water. That will have to change. Dinner consists of another frozen meal with fresh cauliflower and broccoli. The Apple used to call them “little trees.” It will make me smile as I try to convince myself how delicious it all is.

The Day Before…

Tree- I am organized! Ready to go! I bought baskets to organize my foods. I bought a freezable lunch bag. I’ve set out my food for tomorrow. I am almost ready. I need to find batteries for the scale. Hard to start anything dealing with weight loss without a viable starting point.So we go to breakfast and this is my orderSo you can actually see why I need to go on this journey because admittedly I could and have eaten like this all the time! For me its the SWEETS! Gimmmeeeeeee! Chocolate is my preferred weapon of choice but not first thing in the morning.

Why now? What is the incentive? I am unhappy. I am fat. I feel tired and bloated all the time. I need to get healthy, yes for my family but mostly for myself. It’s time. The time is tomorrow! ( So I can eat what I want for lunch and dinner!!)